The Death of Happiness
by Muffy the Dough Slayer
Summary: There's a lot Dorian likes about Auryn Trevelyan, and he finds himself happy for the first time in a long time. Then Trevelyan says they need to talk, and this is how happiness dies. Not a break-up story. Dorian is just paranoid and insecure, poor baby. Companion!Trevelyan. Part 2 of 'Cat of Skyhold' series. See my bio for more info. T to be safe.


**A/N:** Hey, guys, here's another DAI story. This one is mostly just introspection on Dorian's part. Because an insecure baby and I love him. Not too much really happens in this. But I do recommend reading 'The Death of Flirtation' first, as I don't repeat a lot of details here. I will in the next story. I'm about 13k into a longer story with these two, but I won't post it until it's complete, which shouldn't be too much longer, I'd say. In the meantime I'm writing smaller one-shots. Enjoy!

Lame title is lame, sorry. Also this is the second in the 'Cat of Skyhold' series, which is also a lame title. Sorry.

A few things to note:  
-You should probably read 'Death of Flirtation' first, though I suppose it's not necessary.  
-Auryn Trevelyan is a companion, and not the Inquisitor, although he's good friends with Inquisitor Kaaras Adaar.  
-Auryn is called the Cat of Skyhold for various reasons, most of which are found in 'Death of Flirtation', so I still recommend reading that. I don't like repeating myself too much in stories so I didn't repeat much of anything, I don't think; so I still highly recommend reading the first story first. :)  
-Dorian and Auryn got together after Auryn and Kaaras got his birthright back and Auryn gave it to him. It's not really mentioned here, but if you want to know where in the timeline they are, I guess there's that.

Reviews are love, and make me write more! :D I truly appreciate it!

Story length: 3134

Being!

* * *

 **The Death of Happiness**

There is a lot about Auryn 'Call me Ryn' Trevelyan that Dorian finds he rather likes.

He likes the warm smiles and little laughs. He likes the way Trevelyan – Auryn – looks at him in bed, with those golden eyes half-lidded but bright with desire or fondness. He likes the fondness the most, he thinks; no one has ever looked at him like that before. Desire, certainly – but not with such open fondness.

He likes the fact Auryn is open about how he feels. He always says what he likes about Dorian, and Dorian tries to return the sentiment but the words cling to his tongue, refusing to be said, and so he just makes a joke instead. The light never dies down in Auryn's eyes; he doesn't mind that Dorian can't say things back.

They've been officially 'together' for going on three weeks now. Three weeks ago, they had sex for the first time, and what is usually the death of flirtation became something different, something better. Where all of his other flings ended after sex, this one flourished. A relationship. He's never had one of those before, but Auryn assures him they will learn as they go, and they will grow together.

No one has ever wanted to be in Dorian's company so much. For all of his bravado, and telling everyone how exceptional he is, he's really quite worried about being left behind yet again. About being tossed aside like the discard in a game of Wicked Grace. He despises feeling like this, but it can't be helped.

He's never spoken of his worries to Auryn, but the rogue seems to know all the same. Auryn is adept at reading people, similar to the Iron Bull. It was his job with the Valo-Kas, he once told Dorian. That, and sneaking around on the battlefield using his stealth – called shadowstep, an ability granted to only the most qualified rogues, a type of magic for non-magic users – to kill people when needed. He's quite good at killing people. Auryn and Inquisitor Kaaras Adaar have racked up quite the body count. It's impressive. Yet another thing he likes about Auryn – he's exceptional in combat much like Dorian himself, and he can be oh so quiet. Dorian enjoys pulling little moans from the man in bed. It's become a bit of a game, to see what sounds he can pull from the rogue.

But what he likes most about Auryn, he decides, is simply his company. His presence at his side, no matter where they are. When Auryn isn't out with Adaar or running around Skyhold, he's in the library with Dorian, or they're in Auryn's room together. Dorian finds he doesn't return to his own room very often; and if he does, Auryn inevitably crawls into bed with him at some point in the night, and they wake together in the morning.

When they are together in the library, they quietly read in their little nook, and the silence around them is comfortable, disturbed only by the sound of Leliana's crows.

When they are together in bed, it's all hushed pants and quiet laughs as they fumble with buckles until finally the clothes are tossed aside, and then it's soft moans and fond looks with half-lidded eyes, and Dorian enjoys every moment of it. He enjoys a lot these days.

It's why he knows that inevitably, something will go wrong. Something always goes wrong when he's happy, and he's happy for the first time in so long… He's content for the first time in so long…

He knows something will go wrong.

It has to.

So he clings to the happiness while it lasts. It's all he can do, other than dread its end. Perhaps Auryn will come to his senses and see that Dorian doesn't have much to offer, other than sex. He's very good at sex. None of his bed partners have complained. But Auryn isn't looking for just sex; he wants more. And Dorian's isn't very good at 'more'. It's so foreign to him.

Maybe Auryn will realize he deserves better, and will end it. Or he'll grow tired of Dorian. That happens, doesn't it? When two people are together too long, sometimes they grow tired of each other, and again, Dorian doesn't have much to offer. So perhaps Auryn will walk away when he gets tired of Dorian.

Or he'll find someone else, someone more adept at relationships.

Or-

There are so many reasons Auryn could walk away, but Dorian doesn't know which it will be. He just knows it will end. He should end it before it gets too far, but like he told Auryn three weeks ago, it will be harder, later. And now it _is_ later; he's more attached than before. Before, they were just friends who flirted and occasionally kissed, but then they had sex and it changed things. Now… now it's more, and Dorian _wants_ , but he knows it will end terribly, as it always does.

Everything has a death, even happiness. It's why he got into necromancy in the first place; he was fascinated by the death of everything, even life. It just showed him that absolutely every ends, because the only certainty in life is death. Death of happiness, death of flirtation… death of relationships…

So when, just after three weeks of being together, Auryn starts hesitating or biting his lower lip too often – a trait Dorian knows means the rogue is worried about something – he isn't surprised. Disheartened, perhaps, but not surprised. Everything has a death eventually. Nothing good lasts forever.

Days pass, and Auryn grows a little distant. He's still very present in bed, and Dorian tries to cling to this, but otherwise when they are alone together… the rogue is distant, always biting his lip and tossing small glances Dorian's way, attempting to figure something out in his mind. Is it, perhaps, how to tell Dorian it's not working? That this relationship is over, before it's even really begun?

A part of Dorian wants to fight. Wants to fight the inevitable death, because he's _happy_. Happy for the first time in so very long the feeling is almost entirely foreign to him. A life of fake smiles, always worn as a mask, is now at war with a life of real smiles that hurt his cheeks, and he's not ready for it to end.

A part of him wants to fight – wants to tell Auryn he will do better. Wants to ask Auryn to give him another chance. He'll get it right this time.

But he will not beg. He will not keep Auryn here against his will. If the rogue wishes to leave, then Dorian will let him go. He'll hate it, of course, but that's what the tavern is for, he supposes. And then one day down the road maybe he'll be able to look at Auryn – Trevelyan – without remembering half-lidded eyes filled with fondness.

"Dorian."

Dorian startles at the sudden voice, but then turns to find Auryn standing there just outside his little alcove in the library. The rogue's golden eyes are watching him through his black bangs, but he can't tell what he's feeling. He's not as good at that as Auryn. Auryn says he's an open book, and he expresses things freely, but even so he's very adept at hiding things when he wants to be. Right now Dorian can't get a read on him.

 _Are we doing this now?_

A tendril of dread curls around his heart. "Auryn, hello. What brings you to my little section of the library today? Looking for fine taste in books?"

He's happy his mouth works on its own sometimes, because while his thoughts are a whirlwind, his words are steady and light.

Auryn hesitates. "I have something to tell you."

 _Oh. So we_ are _doing this now,_ Dorian thinks, suppressing a grimace. He keeps his expression jovial as he says, "And what might that be? Here to tell me about how dashing I look? Thank you, but I already know."

Auryn looks away. "Will you meet me in my room?"

Never a good sign, those words combined with 'we need to talk', or something thereof.

Dorian's expression falters; he can feel the smile slipping. He turns away from Auryn and nods, though Auryn is still looking at the floor. "Very well. Ten minutes?"

"Sure, sounds good," Auryn says.

Dorian expects his footsteps to echo away, but instead, he's suddenly right behind Dorian. His lips press lightly against the back of Dorian's sensitive neck, and his hand brushes against his back before the rogue steps away. Finally his footsteps leave, and Dorian exhales sharply.

 _What was what? He's trying to kill me, isn't he?_

First he acts distant, then says they need to talk… and now this. What is he to make of this? Surely Auryn wouldn't be so cruel as to toy with his emotions like this. Surely he wouldn't be so cruel as to kiss him and then abandon him.

It takes almost the entire ten minutes to compose himself again and work up the nerve for this conversation. Ten minutes isn't nearly enough time for _that_ , but he tries nevertheless, and then he finally starts making his way toward Auryn's room. The walk is familiar, the steps routine, and he wonders when this happened. When he started spending most of his nights in Auryn's room. On the rare few occasions he doesn't go to Auryn's room and instead goes to his own, Auryn inevitably finds him there and crawls into bed with him without waking him.

And now…

He inhales slowly, dread firmly grasping his heart in a tight fist, and then he knocks on Auryn's door.

Strange, knocking.

He hasn't knocked in weeks. Auryn says he can come and go as he pleases; there is no need to knock.

But now… Now he's not certain that still applies, and so he knocks. The wood is rough against his knuckles.

Auryn answers with a confused little frown. "You don't have to knock, Dorian."

His voice still sends chills down Dorian's spine, in all the right ways. He smiles, though it's more automatic than anything. "Apologies. I wasn't sure if…" There he hesitates, words faltering.

Auryn watches him for a moment, blocking the doorway, before his eyes widen and he hurriedly tugs Dorian inside. The door closes behind him and then he's pulled into a tender kiss. No one has ever kissed him like this before; perhaps Auryn really is cruel. Kissing him like this, and then he'll…

Auryn pulls back, breathless, and golden eyes capture his own blue-gray ones. "I'm not breaking up with you, if that's what you think. Maker, Dorian – how could you think that? I would never…"

A weight lifts from Dorian's chest so suddenly he releases a shaky breath. "Apologies," he says again, though his voice isn't as steady as he would like, "I simply thought…"

"I've been distant, I know, but _no_ , Dorian," Auryn says, scowling at him, and then there's a hand cupping one side of his face, and warm lips against his own once more. "I like you too much to let you go. I'm afraid you're stuck with me."

Dorian swallows, and smiles lightly to hide the fact Auryn's words have gotten to him. "There are worse people to be stuck with, I suppose."

Auryn smiles, golden eyes fond in that look Dorian enjoys so much. "I should think so. Come sit with me."

Dorian doesn't really have a choice in the matter, as Auryn grabs his hand and pulls him toward the bed. They sit on the edge of it, side-by-side, Auryn's thigh touching Dorian's own much like the morning after the first time they had sex.

Dorian's mind is still reeling from the fact Auryn is _not_ breaking up with him. The phrase is so foreign; 'breaking up with' someone means a relationship, and that's still a foreign concept as well. The term and the phrase have never been applied to Dorian before. It's always been flings.

But this is more, and it's not ending. At least not tonight. Not for a while, hopefully.

Happiness always dies, but hopefully it can last a little longer.

"I want you to understand I will never just ditch you out of the blue," Auryn says quietly, looking at him with those wonderfully golden eyes. "Even if we fight and argue horribly – relationships aren't always easy all the time, and I'll fight for us. I won't just break up with you unless that's what you want. It's… I mean… _is_ it what you want?"

Now he looks uncertain, and Dorian doesn't particularly care for that look on him. "No," he says. "That isn't what I want."

Relief flits across Auryn's face. Maybe he's just as insecure with this whole thing as Dorian is. "That's good. Anyway, what I wanted to talk to about is… well, here."

He hands Dorian a folded piece of parchment, pulled from his pocket. It's folded into a little square. Dorian carefully unfolds it and then stares at the familiar scrawl. Another letter from his father. The last one ended with him and Adaar going to a tavern in Redcliffe Village, and meeting his father face to face. Harsh words were exchanged, and he and Adaar left without Halward Pavus getting much in edgewise.

Now this.

"How long have you had this?" Dorian asks quietly. Auryn has been acting strangely for days now; has he had this all this time? Why does he have it if it's for Dorian?

"A few days," Auryn says, confirming Dorian's suspicions. "It was addressed to Kaaras. He gave it to me to give to you. He thought you'd take it better if it was from me, and I wasn't sure how to tell you. I mean… just read it, you'll see."

Dorian reads through the letter.

 _Inquisitor Adaar,_

 _I never meant to involve you in our affairs; I apologize for the inconvenience to you. I wish only to speak to my son and bring him home. It is not safe there in the south, and Dorian has duties to perform here. I hear you have a surplus of mages so I am certain one mage's absence will not be a problem. I know my son is skilled, but I am certain you have others skilled just the same. I only wish for his safety and well-being. If you could convince him to return home, I would be most grateful, as would his mother. We just want him safe. I will arrange everything for his safe return here, if you convince him._

 _Thank you for your time._

 _Halward Pavus_

Dorian's fingers are clenched tightly around the parchment, crumbling the paper somewhat, by the end of the letter. He's furious. They think they know what's best for him, do they? And it's best for him to return to Tevinter? After his father attempted a _blood ritual_? They wish only for his _safety_? His safety didn't matter when his father wanted the blood ritual, now did it?

"Did you read this?" Dorian asks.

"… I did. I'm sorry. I couldn't stop myself," Auryn says apologetically. Curiosity _is_ his downfall; it's one of the reasons he's called the Cat of Skyhold, after all.

Dorian exhales through his nose. "You should have told me immediately, instead of keeping this from me."

"I'm sorry," Auryn says roughly. "I wasn't sure how to bring it up. I was tempted to just throw it away; that was one of the options Kaaras gave me. Throw it away or give it to you. But he's not going to convince you to go back to Tevinter. You're free to stay here as long as you want."

That is… kind of Adaar, given the fact he typically scowls at Dorian.

"Tell him thank you, for not kicking me out into the storm," Dorian says. "I am certain this will not be the last letter my father sends. Apologies in advance for having to put up with all of this."

"It's okay, Dorian," Auryn says, laying a hand on his shoulder. The touch actually calms him a little. "No one is going to throw you out. You're safe here."

Dorian laughs; he can't quite help himself. "According to my father, the only safe place is back in Tevinter."

"He doesn't know you as well as I do," Auryn says, attempting to joke, but there's a chord of truth in the statement which rings loudly in Dorian's head.

It's the utter truth, isn't it? His father doesn't know him at all. But Auryn does, and that's just as frustrating as it is relieving. _When did I get so easy to read_ wars with _Auryn knows me better than anyone_ …

He _likes_ being understood. His parents never understood.

 _But Auryn does._

Auryn does.

"Are you… Are you angry with me?" Auryn asks quietly. "I can't quite tell."

"I'm not angry with you," Dorian says, looking at the rogue once again. "I'm angry with my father."

 _And maybe myself, as well._ But he doesn't say this aloud.

He thought Auryn was going to discard him, but all the rogue has done is reassure him.

He crumples the letter into a wad and throws it aside. It is not worth his time. His father is not worth his time. He thinks he knows what's best for Dorian, but he knows nothing. He thought a blood ritual was what was 'best' for him, but like Dorian told him in the tavern – he never cared what was best for Dorian, only about his legacy. He only wants Dorian's bloodline to continue because it's _his_ bloodline. All those times Dorian succeeded when he was younger, when his father smiled with pride – it was all because of his magical talent progressing, continuing Halward Pavus's own legacy.

Did he ever care about _Dorian_?

It's a saddening, frustrating thought and he shoves it aside.

Halward Pavus doesn't matter right now. Perhaps he never will again.

Because Dorian has found someone who _does_ care about him.

"Forget about him," Auryn says. "He's not worth your time. If he can't see how amazing you are, if he can't accept you as you are – then he's not worth it. It's his loss, not yours."

Dorian exhales quietly. "The things you say."

"It's true."

And then Auryn's hand is on his face, and his lips are pressed to his mouth again.

"I like you just the way you are," the rogue tells him.

Dorian can't help himself. His arms circle around the warm body, and then their toppling over into bed.

There are many things he likes about Auryn Trevelyan.

But he thinks his favorite is the fact Auryn accepts him how he is, flaws and all.


End file.
